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At a Fisherman's Wharf bar, facing the wrong way and reading *Story*. San Francisco is a movie.
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For the Vietnam vet with anterograde amnesia, Fleet Week is hell.
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Date a Twitter boy! If he acts up, you can threaten to unfave his tweets.
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Wells Fargo wins the buyout! Now I can overdraw at any bank branch in America!
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Impossible? I tweet six impossible things before breakfast!
Oh, "inscrutable." Yes, that too.
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You ever get an invite from some stranger who has "23 friends in common" with you? And those friends are always the same Facebook sluts?
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In Soviet Russia, you come early for Christmas! (Hey, Christmas darling, I swear this usually never happens.)
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You think I'm just not funny, when in truth I'm saving it all for my screenpl-- no, wait, you're right.
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Accidentally ran the washing machine empty. Twice. So now my "Fuck the Earth" sheets are STILL dirty.
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My friend Cole: "Allison's calling, she wants me to stick my penis in her vagina. I'm excited about your new ideas but you understand."
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To the gentleman who just made a "Who Let The Dogs Out" joke: I salute you, sir. You are not the weakest link.
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I remember those heady days when the Dow was 10K, gas was a mere three bucks, and I could keep it up for the length of a pop song.
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Whoops, Drudge just posted a big ol' photo of a bear. There go his McCain exclusives.
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October surprise: In Apple's new "town hall" meeting, Steve Jobs steals the entire Obama vote.
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I don't know how I got all these followers. But if you think you're wittier than the 252 people I already read, tell me a joke and @nick me.
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Continued: "I hate twitter. I am now disengaging my twitter self from you. I am no longer a follower." Jesus, lady. There are 5799 of you.
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Do any of you get messages like this? "Here I am following your lame stories and bad humor for months, do I get a hit back? Hell, f---g no."
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Whoops, that's not my phone vibrating, it's the muscles in my legs giving out.
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In what respect, @stupidsummer?
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Why did all the cool gods -- the ones with ritual prostitution -- get whacked back in the B.C.?
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