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pagecrusher
Got a phone call from the girl who took my virginity, seeking an address to send her wedding invitation. I told her to send it to deez nuts.
5:04 PM Nov 14th from web
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fireland
You ever type something into Google and wonder how you got to this point? Say, oh, something like: "retainer caught in prince albert help."
2:10 PM Oct 8th from web
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fireland
That midget said he'd knock me into next week but c'mon, I was probably unconscious for like 36 hours tops. Midgets! Always exaggerating!
7:59 PM Oct 2nd from web
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fireland
I'm eating McDonald's yogurt in my basement and I'm not sure where to even BEGIN putting the quotation marks in this sentence.
5:14 PM Sep 24th from web
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awryone
Wife wants a brown baby to reflect her African looks,
I suggested we try to make an ass-baby.
She said, "Oh, so my color and your features?"
10:04 AM Aug 26th from web
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awryone
McCain is so old, his name is actually Cain.
He added the Mc to avoid the nagging stigma of murdering his brother.
2:10 PM Aug 12th from web
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scottsimpson
The iPhone menstruation calendar app is NOT just for women. That knowledge just might save my life. (Unlike this tweet. Love you honey.)
11:26 PM Aug 6th from web
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smartasshat
You know what happens when you presume: You press yourself against Uma Thurman. Or something.
1:26 PM Aug 4th from web
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awryone
When I worked for AT&T and drank, I awoke one day to print-outs of every Phil McCracken in the U.S.
Someday, I will carry-out my plan.
11:49 AM Aug 4th from web
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fireland
Today should've been a deleted scene. Self-indulgent, cliché, didn't advance the plot at all, and no nudity. For completists only.
9:20 PM Jul 29th from web
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fireland
The kids aren't buying my re-branding of ice cubes as "crystal popsicles." When did these little douches get so cynical.
1:48 PM Jul 25th from web
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awryone
Adding an "oral sex whenever" clause to the wedding vows?
Funny then, sure.
Being awakened by choking on a "stale vagina"?
Not so much.
6:01 AM Jul 22nd from web
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